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by TsingaDark



Series: Lost Inside My Mind [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Christmas, M/M, Melancholy, lots of thoughts about the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 17:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8926090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsingaDark/pseuds/TsingaDark
Summary: Dan visits his school shortly before Christmas and thinks about how much he's changed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> what a crappy summary, lol
> 
> originally I'd planned to write a cute and fluffy OS for Christmas bc I've not been feeling well the last few days. Of course, that turned into me pouring my feelings into a OS that might or might not be very close to my heart. 
> 
> let's see if I can still write one or two happy and fluffy OS before Christmas is over :D 
> 
> also, this hasn't been beta read and I dunno if it makes a lot of sense but whatevs

There’s an uncomfortable feeling settling in Dan’s stomach as he walks along the empty corridor, his footsteps echoing loudly in the almost-silence. A Christmas song is playing somewhere in the distance. He thinks it might be  _ Driving Home For Christmas _ , but honestly, it could be any Christmas song for all he cares. 

He’s filled with some sort of nostalgia as his gaze wanders from one of the dark blue doors to the window, but instead of longing for past times, the idea of him living through his school years again makes him feel uneasy. He enjoyed school for the most part, except for the occasional bullying and tormenting he had to endure. But the memory of him and his friends sitting in the library or outside on the sports grounds makes him yearn for a time that was easier, when he didn’t question every decision he made, when he didn’t feel like he was inevitably hurtling towards an uncertain future, with no idea where he wanted to go in life. 

He hasn’t been to his school in a long time, had never felt the need to. He hadn’t even wanted to come back this time, but he’s kind of glad he did. Being back here, where he grew up next to his old friends, reminds him that he’s changed. He’s been aware of that for a while now, his thoughts having been taken up with how different he is, how much he just doesn’t fit in with once familiar people anymore. It makes him sad that the people who once brought him joy now make him feel like there’s this itch under his skin that only lessens the more he distances himself from them. 

Maybe, if he were better at picking up the phone, or simply answering texts, or better at fitting in, he would still feel at home here. But, as he traces the ridges in the wooden windowsill, he wonders if he has ever had that comfortable sense of belonging in a place he’d wanted to avoid even back then. 

Maybe it’s better that he cut those ties, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to move on and change into who he is today. He’s comfortable with himself now. Well, at least more than he used to. 

He used to hate how tall he is, how that made him stand out. He used to hate his curly hair with a passion, how it made him seem soft when all he wanted was to be the opposite. He used to hate the boring brown colour of his eyes that made him ordinary. He used to hate that he is nerdy, separating him from the popular kids. He used to hate that he was sad when there was, objectively, nothing to be down about. He used to hate himself, everything that made him  _ him _ , differentiated him from others. 

Now, he’s glad he’s come to love at least half of those things about himself. He’s accepted that he is different and that he’ll never be like others. And the most important thing, he doesn’t  _ want  _ to be anyone other than himself. 

Yes, he’s still inexplicably unhappy sometimes. He still questions the purpose of life, the reason for his existence, the significance of his actions. But it doesn’t happen as often as it used to after he left school and this place behind him. He’s more grounded now. 

“Dan.”

He turns around at the call of his name, a small smile tugging at his lips. There’s a tall man quickly walking towards him, dressed in a ridiculously tacky Christmas jumper that does nothing to compliment the pale tone of his skin. Dan doesn’t notice that though, and even if he did, he wouldn’t care. All he sees is the happy expression of his eyes, the way his hands instantly settle on Dan’s hips when he’s close enough, like they hadn’t just seen each other five minutes ago. 

“Phil,” he says, with a hint of sarcasm so Phil won’t instantly spot the melancholic mood he’s in.

“You know, I didn’t hear you saying you’d  _ not  _ wait for me in front of the bathroom,” Phil says accusingly, but there’s a playful undertone to his words.

Dan snorts. “Well, yeah, but I also didn’t say I  _ would _ .”

Phil slightly shakes his head but he’s smiling and his hand is blindly grabbing Dan’s, their fingers intertwining without a second thought. Dan instantly knows that Phil was able to sense his mood. It surprises him every time that Phil’s so perceptive and just  _ notices  _ things, even when Dan is actively trying to keep them bottled up where Phil will never be able to find them. Somehow, he does anyway. Not always of course. Phil isn’t a mind reader, or a psychic, or anything like that. But he’s got to know Dan, the way he talks, the way he holds himself, the way he ticks. It made Dan feel uncomfortably visible once, like every layer of himself had been forcibly peeled back to reveal the core of his most private being. Now it just makes him feel understood and like he belongs somewhere. 

“Do you want to go home?” Phil asks then, his thumb rubbing soothing circles onto Dan’s hand. 

The word home makes something in Dan’s chest constrict painfully for the fraction of a second, but it’s not the sharp pain of loss or fear, it’s a reminder of the fact that there’s a different place that’s home now, a better one where he feels safe and loved, one where he doesn’t feel melancholy for people and emotions long gone. 

“Yes,” he breathes without hesitation, his hand softly squeezing Phil’s briefly. 

There’s no need to dwell in the past, not when he’s got something better now, someone that takes him as he is and makes him see what Dan is worth, even if he’s changed. Change isn’t always bad; sometimes it’s sad, making him long for the way it used to be, but sometimes change signifies the beginning of something new, born out of the ashes of skewed memories and broken relationships and everything else Dan had never noticed weighing him down. 

Coming here made him realise that acknowledging change takes courage and that leaving this place behind is just letting go of the past that’s trying to make him feel guilty for being someone else, someone that’s finally learning how to be comfortable in their own skin. And Dan is okay with that. 


End file.
